November 25, 2008
à
The day that I kissed the street.

(don’t say anything. I don’t want to talk about it. Period. Past is past. Whatever)

If this was a book—if my life had been a book, I’m already at the twilight series’ breaking dawn.

I have no Edward, that’s for sure.

Bella—you may be lucky but I still consider myself fortunate though I don’t live an adventurous—almost perfect life with Edward like you do.

Now let’s go back to MY BREAKING DAWN—actually, it’s more of a breaking “POINT”.

Last night, we were practicing for our RD in our friend’s house

I’ve been a member of SSB since last year (Yeah, yeah…it’s just a joke organization, meaning “Singles Since Birth”)

During these 16 years of my oh-so-unpredictable life, I’ve never had a boyfriend.

It seems like boys at my age have this magnet (I meant the opposite pole of the magnet—the one that repels) on me.

I’m taller than the “average”—maybe that’s a factor.

My sister tells me my blabby attitude can be intimidating for guys.

I always have this thought that I’m maybe I’m not pretty enough, but by the common standards of humans, there are women who don’t even reach the prospectus of my body measurement and attributes. What I mean is that, by the harsh laws of human nature, there are plenty of people who are uglier than me yet they have boyfriends.

Don’t get me wrong but I think the only guys who are attracted to me are those that often hang in the streets, older men—the word itself—MEN. Gentlemen who belong in the age group of 15-17 are definitely OUT of the options. This is the work of my repelling magnet.

…

Hmm..i’ll have to continue this talk later, when I have the chance to tell the whole details. -_^

Okay…

I’ve been so cautious all my life and I want to do something totally unlike me—

As in the me who’s still in the hiding…

Those awkward situations are killing me.

Right now,

I can be whatever I want to be, say whatever I want to say, compliment whoever I want to compliment and my POVs can normally hurt somebody, but at least now they wouldn’t—because they wouldn’t know that I’ve been badmouthing (okay…that term is harsh.) them.

This is something like a therapeutic blah.

To start off:

The cast of characters:

….ack. My mood has shifted again….

I forgot that I still have to go to school..hihihi..Ciao for now

All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around
I’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
And its taking me this long baby but I figured you out
And you’re thinking we’ll be fine again but not this time around

You don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before

You’re not sorry no more, no, NO.

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn’t know
Could’a loved you all my life
If you hadn’t left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of secrets
And I’m tired of being last to know
And now you’re asking me to listen
Cause its worked each time before

But you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don’t want to hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before
You’re not sorry no-No.. NO
You’re not sorry

You had me calling for you honey
And it never would’ve gone away no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don’t have to call anymore
I won’t pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There’s nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you’re sorry
But I don’t believe you baby like I did before

You’re not sorry

…..

*Talk about EMO.

LOL

But i’ve been diggin’ this song for the last 5 minutes.

Blame a girl for being emotional once in a while—not.

…..

^^ Why do I go to school?
~~To learn.

^^ To learn what?
~~To learn something knowledgeable.

^^ Huh? Tell me the truth. (that’s not a question, that’s an order). Why do I go to school?
~~How should I know?
^^ Because I’m actually referring to YOU. Now why do YOU go to school?
~~Because everybody does?

^^ Stupid. Not everyone goes to school. Now why do YOU go to school?
~~Didn’t you just ask me that?

^^ I did, but you did NOT answer correctly. Now spill.
~~I go to school … so I can earn a living… to have a decent job… to fulfill my hopes and dreams.

^^ Corny.
~~That’s not corny! –As if. What am I supposed to answer then?

^^ You should’ve said “I go to school because if I don’t, I don’t know what else to do.”
~~”That’s just useless.”

^^ No—well, maybe it is, but no… it should be “that’s just right”. Because that’s what you feel, correct?
~~You‘re stupid.

^^ Not as stupid as you.

~~Look who’s talking. Only a moron talks to himself and argues with himself on who’s dumber. Man, that sure is dumb.

^^ Yeah, you are.

~~Whatever.

^^ Whatever too, loser.

~~Whatever double loser.

^^ Loser, loser, double looser.

~~As if. Whatever.

^^ Get the picture?
~~Duh.

*^^ = Palamoonin ~~
= Chidori

*interviewing yourself gives you a headache—I’ll be doing this again. Haha…*

“I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell—try to be in my shoes, and you’ll see how frustrating it is to be suffering to go to school just to graduate, find a job, and continue your suffering” –from a student nurse’s POV—>Palamoonin.

But chidori
says…

à“Nah-uh. College is a PRIVILEGE. It’s a good thing there are ‘rents who support you all the way. You’re lucky to be there. If you consider it as a suffering, then why choose that course in the first place? If you don’t love what you do, you might as well not do it. If you know you have to, then bear with it. One way or another, you will realize that being a nurse is far from having any regrets.”

Palamoonin vs. Chidori

*different point of views, same person”

What the heck. Talking to yourself is weird. (My best friend does it every night. They say it’s a sign of intelligence. Ohh?)

I haven’t written anything since yesterday…seems like I’ve been so preoccupied (with reading manga…and burning some amvs).

Call me anime addict—manga addict—whatever.

It seems like even if I admitted it or deny it, people will still label me as such.

I know for a fact that I can live without these ‘addictions’ if you may call it that way.

I have survived the first half of my freshman life in college without watching animes—and I’m proud of it.

But as I move along to the second semester, which is a whole new level (if you think 1^st sem was hard, then 2^nd sem is nothing but a nightmare).

I have been clinging to watch these shows or read these mangas because I needed distraction.

I needed something that would shift my attention from doing the piles of school work lined up for me.

Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be a dean’s lister, but I don’t want to work that hard or it.

I don’t know why…

Or maybe I do…

But I don’t want to admit it.

….

Heck.

I might as well admit it now.

(None of the people I know will be able to read this anyway…)

Ahem.

Here it is…

*clears throat again*

Maybe the main reason………… (okay it’s not “maybe”—it actually IS the main reason)

Is because I don’t want to give it my all—I don’t want to show others my best—because if I did, and didn’t make it, it will really crush my ego.

Simple as that, huh?

Yes… I guess.

I only want to reach a high standard without giving my all because if I make it, I will have to say; “No sweat. You should see what happens when I take this seriously.”—but I don’t, because I won’t.

And so when I fail, I will always have the reason: “oh, it came out that way because I didn’t exert much effort into it—no biggie. It’s not like I took it all seriously.”

But they got it all wrong.

I do take things seriously—in planning. (Only in planning, though)

I’ve already picture things on my mind on how I will do my tasks effectively,

Somehow, it ends up that I wouldn’t be doing anything at all…

Because I needed distraction.

I needed a break.

I just do all this “i-want-to-make-it” stuff to boost my ego—and that inter relates pleasing everyone (But I have to admit that it would be impossible)

Which is why I usually end up as a frustrated humanoid who always thinks about her problems like it’s everybody’s problem.

You get my point?
Hah.

I don’t too.

*I’m supposed to write something in English … a story, novel, whatever. Obviously, I haven’t started yet. Sighs…

Anyway… still have lots of school work to do.

TTFN

For the first time in my life: I had numerous of line of sevens (in quizzes) and an 81.4 in a practicum.

WHY?

I have been asking myself the same questions for numerous times already within this week.

I planned to study my lessons because that’s what I’m only good at. (No, not studying my lessons, I’m just good in PLANNING).

My eyelids are betraying me again to sleep.

I don’t know what else to say except that everything—all of my worries are all because of me.

I hate to admit my wrongdoings.

But since I can do and say whatever I want here, I might as well use my writings wisely.

And since none of my family members, friends, whatever, will know that it’s actually me, good heavens, this is the right to speak up here.

…

Ahem.

I have 3 clinical instructors for my RLE (Related Learning experience in Nursing)

One’s a mature, almost senior citizen woman, who surely has grandsons already. She’s too particular in pronunciation and grammar—even American lingos. (whatever.) She’s a really good and effective teacher, I must say (But by the time she gives me low grades, maybe I’ll take back what I just said. Haha…kidding. If ever I did have low grades on her subject (lower than my standing now), then I will surely be whacked.

The other one’s so pretty. And she’s young. (She gives low grades though. She gave me the low score in the practicum. I can’t say I entirely blame her (maybe just partially.)

The last one reminds me of my sister (the body physique is the same). She’s a good speaker too. (better than the other C.I.s). She speaks slowly…very understandable.

But then again…

All of my complaints about the subject had rooted because of that room (it has a SLEEPING aura).

Or maybe because I stayed up all night using my computer—oh, is that what I’m doing now?
Ack.

I need sleep.

Goodnight. *_*

November 18, 2008-10:05 AM

RLE class

I’m back~! (Back from where?)
…

I just came back to my seat after I distributed the class quizzes (results), and I’m partially happy (?), no, UNCONTENTED with my scores. I knew I didn’t do well, I planned a perfect score, but I was too busy with other things to fulfill it. I guess I went to school, bought myself a new bag, an expensive notebook which is located in who-knows-where as of this moment, and paid (using my parent’s money) tuition from a course that I don’t really love as of now.

But I don’t hate my course.

I don’t look down on nurses.

Usually, I just look down on myself.

That’s why I needed praises from others to fool me to think otherwise.

I do not despise—

***My thoughts about the issue ended there.

I didn’t even know (remember) the continuation of my sentence.

I don’t despise what?

This is the fault of dismissals during class.

I don’t know why, but suddenly, I’m not in the mood to write anymore.

Hah.

Who am I kidding?
I’ve always been like this whenever I write something…or pour my thoughts in.

I needed to be in the mood—which is both normal and weird for me.

I don’t know what to say anymore… except for the fact that I’m out of words.

…………………………………..

Hmmm…

How about if I tell something about how my day turned out?
Okay. Whatever.

My day started when I realized that I’m almost late for class.

I had to tie up my hair in this ponytail-like-manner-made-into-a-bun-of-somewhat (Whatever it’s called. The boys in our class refer to our hairstyle as “the one with the microphone at the back”. Whatever, boys.)

Then I saw the result of my quizzes.

Then we went to mass (at school)

Ate pork chop for lunch

Had a quiz in NCM

Discussed religion sorts in RLE.
Went home.

Went back to school again (I forgot my books)
then went back home.

Went down town with my sister.

Ate dinner.

Came back.

Sleep.

Computer.

Eat cheese sandwich

Computer.

…Boring.

Do you know what it takes to have fun? Because right now, I don’t.

I was regarded by my sister as an Anime-slash-Manga addict.

But I am still in denial.

Now I realized that I had spent 2-3 hours in front of the computer just to shift my worries from school and free my anxiousness by indulging myself in reading mangas and watching amvs.

A lot happened during this day.

I couldn’t tell every detail.

But this was medical hand washing demonstration day.

And my performance did not even reach the tail of my expectations.

It was bad…because now that I realized it, I always expect the BEST, if not, the BETTER.

I’m really sleepy as of this moment. And I compromised with myself to finish just 4 mangas tonight…before going to bed.

We have a quiz tomorrow, two of them to be exact.

But I can’t help it.

I don’t like this anymore.

It’s like I’m fooling myself…doing things that I don’t really love to do.

Actually, the truth of it is just that I only love something if i’m GOOD at it, if people find me GOOD at it, and if I find GOOD praises out of it.

Seems selfish? Seems stupid? As of now, it seems weird.

It is as if I’m pouring all of the thoughts and emotions hidden in the last 16 years in here.

I suddenly remembered that I have to write a letter to gain an extra scholarship (Truth of that, I wanted to help my parents, since my tuition this semester is oh-so-cheap [and I'm being sarcastic here] and at least add 15thousand to buy me a new gadget—or not. I’m not that materialistic, just slightly. *_*)

Oh whatever. I’m going to call it a day today. It’s almost midnight.

Goodbye November17, 2008…hello18.

^_^ GoodnYt

*oh and the anime addiction—call it denial, whatsoever. I call it a getaway just every “once in a while’. Okay?
It’s not like I’m doing something illegal.

So I like animes. So what? You got a problem with that?
Call it childish. I call it mature and well-written (although I gotta admit, some animes are really STUPID)

Whatever.

Palamoonin
is a big eater.

She spends most of her allowance on FOOD. And she likes to eat in expensive restaurants because she aims to try every delish food in the universe–or at least as of now, within the city. But she is also a messy eater. You can take her to any of those restaurants and she will still display her act of being true to herself and her appetite. She just doesn’t care of what you may think. All that matters now is the next course of the meal. — Half of her aims to save money to buy things that are worth it and shift away from just craving for food. But she’s weak—because Food is her weakness.

Chidori
is a sadist.

She is also really talkative. Her life is carefree though she is responsible and is also called a natural born leader. She tries hard to please everybody, but when she realizes that she couldn’t, she just let things fall into place. That’s that. We can’t change that. If people disagree, she respects their opinion. But that doesn’t mean they can be an influence to change hers. She can be bossy at times too, but overall, she is good natured and strong-willed. There’s a weakness, though. She can be really vulnerable on certain subjects concerning her life. Only that, I’m not so sure if it’s a weakness at all.

Palamoonin
and

Chidori
are two different individuals living in the same body.

But behind their smiles and laughter—behind the chuckles whenever a friend says there is chocolate on palamoonin’s cheek, or whenever chidori tries to meet the expectations of her groupmates, there lies something else. Beneath all that lies an insecure, immature, young girl, who acts as though she is a lady, or acts too childish for her age just to catch some attention. She is this problematic individual, who cares about what people think about her, who has always wanted the praises from her family, the acceptance of who she really is from her friends, and a journalist who has one several contests, up to the nationals, who continued to write in order to “impress” not “express” (or “impress” by “expressing” thoughts that only comes out when she’s in the mood)…When she’s by herself.

“Sometimes I tell myself that I never wanted to be alone. That’s why I usually talk. I’ve been a big chatter for almost 5-6 years already and it gained me false impressions and awkward moments that are continued to be awkward because of my blabbing.

But then I realized that sometimes, we need to be alone. For as of now, I can only be myself when I am not in the company of people that expects a lot from me—and that includes almost everybody.”

→Palori
(Palamoonin & Chidori)